[ He walks into his bunk and he sees her messenger bag, hears the shower running and has to sit down.
He's not ready for this. He's missed her a lot but he hasn't really gotten around to processing his own feelings on things, has managed to throw himself so easily into his work that he hasn't had time to think about how much it hurts to look at the whole equation that includes him and her and his best friend and not know how the numbers are going to fall.
He's not going to lie: he's thought about leaving. He'd told her he wouldn't and he really doesn't know if he could, but he thinks sometimes, in the dead of night that maybe they dove into marriage too soon. Maybe this was long-time coming, it had been Yancy and her first, after all ( Brad doesn't count, Tendo knows he was a rebound ). Maybe, maybe, maybe. ]
Hey.
[ He should be happy. Alison's here and he'd told her to think about things before coming to talk to him, but he'd seen how Yancy had hightailed it out of LOCCENT, can only surmise that his best friend already knows, it's not like Yancy Becket is slow, he would have seen the missing ring on Tendo's finger.
( God. It's me, it's Tendo. I need some advice. What do you do when you can't bring yourself to get angry at a betrayal because your love for two people is just too strong? )
Well, if you're Tendo Choi, you let your face fall into your hands. No, fuck you, he's not crying. And if he is, that's no one's business but his and Alison's because she's in the room with him. ]
[ all thoughts of launching straight into her prepared speech leave abruptly as he puts his face in his hands. completely ignoring the clothes in her bag, alison tucks her towel more firmly around her and moves to his side. she hesitates for just a moment before leaning against his side and rubbing small circles on his back with her hand. ]
I'm sorry. I'd have called first, but this just seemed easier. [ her voice is a soft murmur--this whole moment feels as fragile as spun glass. like if she speaks too loud everything will shatter.
she leans her cheek against his shoulder and breathes in deeply. right now, the last thing she wants to do is say something wrong and make him feel even worse. but there's so much she needs to say that she feels like she's going to explode. ] I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone, and the enormity of that... it scares the shit out of me, Tendo. [ she sucks in a shaky breath and closes her eyes. ] But I want you, this, us--I want to work it out more than I want anything else in the world.
[ as she speaks, the hand that's resting on his back curls into a lose fist around the fabric of his shirt. it's a nervous gesture. right now, alison feels like she's going to puke because this isn't what she'd planned on saying and he's a mess and she doesn't want to make that worse. ]
I'm sorry. I don't know if that helps, but it's where things stand with me.
[ He won't lie, to hear her tell him that she loves him that she wants them to work, that this is how things stand for her -- it lets him breathe. Because it's like he hasn't been breathing lately.
Tendo looks up from his hands, feels the way her fingers are fisted on the back of his shirt and he can't say a thing, wouldn't know what to say, really. If she'd decided otherwise he would have gladly let her go, because if she had to leave him for someone else, he'd be glad it was Yancy. Yes, the guy who is supposedly his best friend, someone who shouldn't have done this, but nobody's a saint, at least he'd know Alison would be in good hands.
He wraps his arms around Alison then, his head pressed against the towel wrapped around her, his shoulders shaking because he loves her a whole damn lot and it hurt to walk away but when you love someone set them free, right? And if they come back. Well. ]
[ even though he's crying into her towel, alison feels greatly relieved when he wraps his arms around her. it feels like coming home. like peace settling over her. that's something she hasn't experienced in what feels like ages. she takes a moment to revel in it as she holds him in turn and runs her fingers through his hair. her heart feels fit to burst it's so full of love and relief and, yes, pain. but it's a good feeling. it's a bittersweet sort of a thing.
she presses a kiss to the top of tendo's head, then carefully shifts her position so she can more easily hold onto him. and then she kisses the side of his head murmuring an i love you after. she kisses the tip of his ear and her arms tighten around him as she whispers i love you so much. she's not saying it to calm him, though it would be nice if it did help with that, but because she hasn't said it enough recently. she wants to say it enough times that it's tattooed into their skin and painted on their souls so they'll never forget. she wants to kiss him, and make love to him, and hold herself close to him until they're as close as two people can possibly get without drifting.
but for now, she's more than alright with holding him to her chest until he's more composed. that's what he needs, and so that's what she'll give him. ]
[ It helps. It really does. He's always known how Alison never says things lightly or without reason and to hear her say that she loves him over and over grounds him, settles his heart, eases the nerves he realizes now were so damn taut.
When he lifts his face to hers he kisses her, long and fierce, his hands coming up to run through her hair because he would have let her go, if it made her happier, if that's what she needed. But she's here, and if what she says is anything to go by - and it really, really is, Alison, those vows are set in stone - he's never going to have any reason to now.
Which is why he tells her. Because she needs to know. ] I think Yancy's twigged that you told me. He looked freaked earlier. I think he saw that I didn't have my ring.
[ It's still there, on the chain beneath his shirt. He'd take it out now but he and Ali - they still need to talk. To sort this out right and proper and then there's Yancy to consider. ]
[ when he kisses her, the room melts away. it's perfect and passionate and everything she desperately wanted but wouldn't ask for. she returns the kiss as fiercely as it's given, and for a brief moment everything is right in the world.
and then he says that.
alison's mood plummets. it's not that she didn't guess this would happen. tendo took off his ring, yancy's a fairly observant guy, and whatever he missed raleigh was sure to catch. she doesn't say it out loud, but alison is suddenly worried for yancy and his mental state. the guilt's been eating him up--not for what they did, but for the fact that this would hurt his best friend. knowing that tendo knows now is just bound to make that worse.
with a small sigh, alison leans into tendo and rests her head on his shoulder. ] Raleigh will make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid while he's freaked. [ even if raleigh doesn't know what's happening, that's what co-pilots do. ] But whatever comes next... that's up to you, babe. I don't know how to sort things out between the two of you.
[ He turns his face to her so he can kiss the top of her head. He snakes an arm around her, holds her close, the familiar shape of her against his side and sighs. ] I'd sooner cut off my right hand than hurt him [ Tendo shakes his head at that and pulls away, gives her hip a squeeze of reassurance before he does so, but he just really needs to stand. ]
I honestly don't know what to do, Ali [ a breath, a heavy one ] this would be so much easier if I could be pissed enough at him for this whole thing but I can't. [ There's a wide gesture from him at that. ]
It wouldn't be fair. Because it takes two. [ He turns to her at that. He's making no bones about this whole affair: he's hurt, he's only human. But he's got too few close friends to call family and the Beckets are it. Alison is it. Some people might call him on this, criticize him for treating this with kid gloves - but what about this is kid gloves? His best friend slept with the woman he traded "I do's" with. Yancy was there when it happened. He offered the fucking toast, had kidded that Alison better treat Tendo right or he'd come charging back to spirit him off away. It's fucking ironic, that's what it is. But it happened. They happened. Tendo could get pissy about it, could swear them both out of his life, but that would change nothing.
So he's just sad and tired and his brow is furrowed because how to fix this, how. ] I love you both.
And I'm selfish enough to be bull-headed about figuring out how to keep you both.
[ when he gets up, she sits up and takes the opportunity to throw the damp towel she's been wrapped in, in the hamper and start pulling some clothes on. it's nice to get out of it, and it gives her something to do with her hands while she watches and listens to him.
in some ways, she thinks he's wrong. that as hard as this must be for him to deal with, things would be much, much worse if he were angry. or rather, if he gave into the anger she thinks is probably there mingling with the hurt. if he did--well. then all of them would be fucked and since it would take ages for any of them to get transferred to another shatterdome ( thank you, bureaucracy ) it would be so much worse if there was more anger here.
she starts buttoning up her shirt as he finishes saying what's on his mind and alison's first reaction is to try and defuse some of the uncomfortable tension. bad jokes and sly remarks have always been her thing, and she trusts tendo to know that, even if it is pretty inappropriate to be joking at a time like this. she just doesn't know what else to do. ]
We could move to Utah and become Mormon polygamists. Or maybe we could go to France, they're pretty understanding of non-conventional arrangements, right? They did invent the term ménage à trois. [ she pauses long enough to stand up and grab her jeans. ] We'd probably have to take Raleigh with, but that's okay. I've always wanted a puppy.
[ once alison's dressed, she turns and gives tendo a small, slightly apologetic smile. she crosses the room so she can put one hand on his cheek and kiss him softly. ]
Take some time to think about it, and then talk to him. Whatever comes out in the wash, I'm still going to be here until you tell me to go. I promise. [ she tries not to think about how ironic it is to say that when she essentially pushed him away by starting this whole thing. ]
[ What a pair they make. He swears he has no idea how he found her - or how she found him - but it's just like Alison to get what he meant, and like him to get what she means when she throws what she does at him.
He's quiet for a moment, just takes a minute or so to look at her, really look at her, before a hand comes up to catch her by the nape so he can fit his mouth over hers, the kiss long and drawn-out because I love you Alison Choi is the mantra of his being.
It's like little knives in his gut when he speaks again. ] I don't think I can wear my ring yet, babe. Sorry. I just... I can't.
Not until this is fixed.
[ He glances down to where his free hand has laced fingers through hers, his thumb moving over the ring on her finger. There are no words to articulate the way he feels. He's not even sure if there is a way to actually, legitimately articulate the way that he feels. ]
[ his lips meet hers and even though it's not exactly a happy kiss, alison's heart soars. she's thought it before and she'll think it again, this is where she belongs and where she feels the best. even in such a terrible moment, this is the best place for her.
( how could she have almost ruined this? how could she have run right into the thing she fears--fucking this up--the most while being so terrified of it? )
it hurts her a little when he says he can't wear his wedding ring yet. but she nods. ] It's okay. I get it. [ and she does. she understands him perfectly.
with a small, tired noise, she rests her forehead against his in an unconscious mimicry of how they were just before he left to come to the shatterdome. ] Will it help or hurt if I ask to stay the night?
[ Tendo lets his forehead rest against hers, takes a moment to think over her question, lets it weigh in the scales of his heart.
The next words are hard to get out. Mostly because of fear. Because this isn't a can of worms but a potential viper pit that can set things back all over again and they'd only just figured out that they were okay. ] Answer me first: was it just physical [ he pulls back a little, though his hand stays where it is ] or do you have feelings for Yancy?
[ Yes, he realizes that Alison joked about it earlier, that's just how they roll. This time though, when he touches the subject, he's serious. Because while Yancy Becket is attractive as all hell and Alison is vocal about appreciating a fine form in a man, he doubts that looks would have been enough to make things go very far. And while Tendo's not Raleigh, who is the ultimate authority where it concerns everyone's favorite mother hen, he knows Yancy enough. Knows that he's a genuinely nice guy, over-protective as all hell and as cocky as most pilots come, but pretty much gifted with a heart made of breathing gold.
So its important that he asks this now. That he knows.
[ fear grips her heart like a vise. a cold fist clenched around her insides and stealing her breath. for a brief moment, she has no idea why he's asking this because they were okay, right? he was kissing her, they'd talked things through. they're okay, and they're going to be okay. what does it matter if she had some feelings for yancy becket that she'd never managed to puzzle out?
but if he needs to know this, then... she can tell him. even if she's needs a moment to think of the answer herself. did she have feelings for yancy? yes, she did. but in her head, the affair was just physical. they fucked and they sent longing looks at each other across rooms but they never acted on the emotion. though the emotion is probably what drove them into the fucking in the first place, so maybe it's not fair to say it was just physical.
she gives her head a little shake and looks down as she answers. ] I care about him a lot. He would be easy to love and that--it made it easier to fall into bed with him.
[ except that doesn't really answer the question. not in a way that feels satisfactory to her. she rubs her free hand over her face and the looks she gives tendo is confused and helpless. it's an awful feeling and she hates it, it's so unlike what she usually is, but that's what she's feeling right now. ]
There was something there. [ is something there still though who knows if it'll stick around when she and yancy see each other again. they haven't since alison told tendo about the affair. ] For both of us. But hell if I can tell you what it was.
[ When she says 'was' what he gets from the rest of her is 'is still' and he lets that sink into his bones for a moment, let's him puzzle out the strange calm that settles his heart in a way that it shouldn't, by the standards of regular folk.
She loves us both. She just hasn't figured out how to box Yancy in yet. Because why else would she be avoiding Yancy - he's not even sure if she's realized it yet, but she's said Raleigh more times during the span of this conversation than she's ever had before, skirts actually making mentions of the older Becket by addressing things directly to him or deflecting altogether, or just speaking solely for herself.
She looks so helpless and afraid and his heart goes out to her, so Tendo gathers her close, kisses her full on the mouth, their bodies flush against each other because he just loves her so damn much that he's willing to voice the weird idea that's actually been nagging at the back of his head. ]
It's okay babe. If you love him too, it's okay. You can say it. You can tell it to me, because I get it, I love that moron, too.
[ Why does it have to be that they have to choose? What if she ( and he ) doesn't want to choose? They work, the three of them. Alison kissed Yancy back in the day and then Yancy nudged him to ask her out, and then they got married and Yancy and Alison had this thing - it all comes round. Maybe this is a thing they're supposed to be. ]
[ of course she doesn't know how to box and label her feelings for yancy. most days she can still barely comprehend that yes, it is actually possible to love a person as much as she loves her husband. and no, she did not lose all ability to create new, deep relationships with people after trespasser like she feared she might have for a while.
but tendo understands her perfectly and that's what really matters. that and the way that he holds her and kisses her and reassures her that it's okay. how on earth did she get so lucky? how did she manage to find this man and make him fall in love with her? and how can he stand there and tell her it's okay, he loves yancy too, like it's no big deal? like things could work out in one way or another between the three of them because there's enough love there. and it's okay that she loves yancy a little.
her vision blurs and she blinks to clear it. suddenly, she's crying. but it's not really a bad cry. not entirely, anyways. as she leans into tendo's chest and wraps her arms around him tight she realizes that she hasn't cried for herself since this whole thing started. oh, she cried when tendo left. but that was more out of guilt for hurting him than anything else. these tears now are tears of confusion and frustration. she doesn't understand how she can love two people, and she's felt like there's a part of her that's been pulled tight between two poles to the point of fraying. these are tears of relief because it's okay that she feels like that. tendo understands--really understands and he's still here, he's not leaving, and it's okay. ]
I love you. And I love him a little. [ it feels nice to be able to admit that out loud. even if it's wetly mumbled into the fabric of tendo's shirt. ] But I'm not moving to Utah.
[ He sways, rocking her, says it's okay baby, it's going to be alright and while he hasn't spoken to Yancy, he knows it will be. Because he's Tendo fucking Choi, best jaeger deployment specialist, there ain't nothing he can do if he sets his mind to it so Yancy you better cooperate because this is a win for all sides, surely you can see that too.
He presses a kiss to the top of her head still murmuring reassurances, one hand sweeping reassuring strokes up and and down her back. ] Good, 'cause I don't want to move to Utah, there's nothing there and I doubt the Marshal will let me anyway. [ Did he already mention how valuable he was to the PPDC? Well, there you go. ]
I'm scared, babe. How the hell am I going to explain this to him? [ It's the rejection he's thinking about. The idea that Yancy might be weirded out because it's one thing to joke, quite another to confess that he matters a great deal to them both in a potentially romantic ( quasiromantic? ) sort of way.
He curls around Alison, and then eases back so that they soft of just, slump into the bed. ] If he takes it badly and punches me, will you kiss my ugly mug and make all the boo-boos better?
[ even though she's really kind of a watery mess, she laughs when he goes along with her bad joke. and that's how she knows that whether or not yancy freaks out about them essentially propositioning him, they're gonna be okay. if they've still got their bad jokes, and their weird senses of fashion, and the way they fit together, they'll be okay. ]
So for once the Marshal being a stoic hardass at times is going to be a good thing. [ she likes pentecost. she really does. but would it kill the man to smile at his workers every once in a while?
alison curls into tendo, puzzling the question of explanations in her head. ] I think winging it is your best bet. [ plans are all well and good, but nothing that's been planned about this whole thing has actually worked out yet. she's thinking that if they want this to be a thing, not planning anything is probably the best way to get it. ]
If he punches you, I will be the best nurse you could ever as for. [ so long as she doesn't have to wear one of those dorky hats. ] And I might laser him a bit for punching my husband. Just a bit, though. We still need him to pilot.
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He's not ready for this. He's missed her a lot but he hasn't really gotten around to processing his own feelings on things, has managed to throw himself so easily into his work that he hasn't had time to think about how much it hurts to look at the whole equation that includes him and her and his best friend and not know how the numbers are going to fall.
He's not going to lie: he's thought about leaving. He'd told her he wouldn't and he really doesn't know if he could, but he thinks sometimes, in the dead of night that maybe they dove into marriage too soon. Maybe this was long-time coming, it had been Yancy and her first, after all ( Brad doesn't count, Tendo knows he was a rebound ). Maybe, maybe, maybe. ]
Hey.
[ He should be happy. Alison's here and he'd told her to think about things before coming to talk to him, but he'd seen how Yancy had hightailed it out of LOCCENT, can only surmise that his best friend already knows, it's not like Yancy Becket is slow, he would have seen the missing ring on Tendo's finger.
( God. It's me, it's Tendo. I need some advice. What do you do when you can't bring yourself to get angry at a betrayal because your love for two people is just too strong? )
Well, if you're Tendo Choi, you let your face fall into your hands. No, fuck you, he's not crying. And if he is, that's no one's business but his and Alison's because she's in the room with him. ]
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I'm sorry. I'd have called first, but this just seemed easier. [ her voice is a soft murmur--this whole moment feels as fragile as spun glass. like if she speaks too loud everything will shatter.
she leans her cheek against his shoulder and breathes in deeply. right now, the last thing she wants to do is say something wrong and make him feel even worse. but there's so much she needs to say that she feels like she's going to explode. ] I love you. I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone, and the enormity of that... it scares the shit out of me, Tendo. [ she sucks in a shaky breath and closes her eyes. ] But I want you, this, us--I want to work it out more than I want anything else in the world.
[ as she speaks, the hand that's resting on his back curls into a lose fist around the fabric of his shirt. it's a nervous gesture. right now, alison feels like she's going to puke because this isn't what she'd planned on saying and he's a mess and she doesn't want to make that worse. ]
I'm sorry. I don't know if that helps, but it's where things stand with me.
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Tendo looks up from his hands, feels the way her fingers are fisted on the back of his shirt and he can't say a thing, wouldn't know what to say, really. If she'd decided otherwise he would have gladly let her go, because if she had to leave him for someone else, he'd be glad it was Yancy. Yes, the guy who is supposedly his best friend, someone who shouldn't have done this, but nobody's a saint, at least he'd know Alison would be in good hands.
He wraps his arms around Alison then, his head pressed against the towel wrapped around her, his shoulders shaking because he loves her a whole damn lot and it hurt to walk away but when you love someone set them free, right? And if they come back. Well. ]
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she presses a kiss to the top of tendo's head, then carefully shifts her position so she can more easily hold onto him. and then she kisses the side of his head murmuring an i love you after. she kisses the tip of his ear and her arms tighten around him as she whispers i love you so much. she's not saying it to calm him, though it would be nice if it did help with that, but because she hasn't said it enough recently. she wants to say it enough times that it's tattooed into their skin and painted on their souls so they'll never forget. she wants to kiss him, and make love to him, and hold herself close to him until they're as close as two people can possibly get without drifting.
but for now, she's more than alright with holding him to her chest until he's more composed. that's what he needs, and so that's what she'll give him. ]
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When he lifts his face to hers he kisses her, long and fierce, his hands coming up to run through her hair because he would have let her go, if it made her happier, if that's what she needed. But she's here, and if what she says is anything to go by - and it really, really is, Alison, those vows are set in stone - he's never going to have any reason to now.
Which is why he tells her. Because she needs to know. ] I think Yancy's twigged that you told me. He looked freaked earlier. I think he saw that I didn't have my ring.
[ It's still there, on the chain beneath his shirt. He'd take it out now but he and Ali - they still need to talk. To sort this out right and proper and then there's Yancy to consider. ]
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and then he says that.
alison's mood plummets. it's not that she didn't guess this would happen. tendo took off his ring, yancy's a fairly observant guy, and whatever he missed raleigh was sure to catch. she doesn't say it out loud, but alison is suddenly worried for yancy and his mental state. the guilt's been eating him up--not for what they did, but for the fact that this would hurt his best friend. knowing that tendo knows now is just bound to make that worse.
with a small sigh, alison leans into tendo and rests her head on his shoulder. ] Raleigh will make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid while he's freaked. [ even if raleigh doesn't know what's happening, that's what co-pilots do. ] But whatever comes next... that's up to you, babe. I don't know how to sort things out between the two of you.
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I honestly don't know what to do, Ali [ a breath, a heavy one ] this would be so much easier if I could be pissed enough at him for this whole thing but I can't. [ There's a wide gesture from him at that. ]
It wouldn't be fair. Because it takes two. [ He turns to her at that. He's making no bones about this whole affair: he's hurt, he's only human. But he's got too few close friends to call family and the Beckets are it. Alison is it. Some people might call him on this, criticize him for treating this with kid gloves - but what about this is kid gloves? His best friend slept with the woman he traded "I do's" with. Yancy was there when it happened. He offered the fucking toast, had kidded that Alison better treat Tendo right or he'd come charging back to spirit him off away. It's fucking ironic, that's what it is. But it happened. They happened. Tendo could get pissy about it, could swear them both out of his life, but that would change nothing.
So he's just sad and tired and his brow is furrowed because how to fix this, how. ] I love you both.
And I'm selfish enough to be bull-headed about figuring out how to keep you both.
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in some ways, she thinks he's wrong. that as hard as this must be for him to deal with, things would be much, much worse if he were angry. or rather, if he gave into the anger she thinks is probably there mingling with the hurt. if he did--well. then all of them would be fucked and since it would take ages for any of them to get transferred to another shatterdome ( thank you, bureaucracy ) it would be so much worse if there was more anger here.
she starts buttoning up her shirt as he finishes saying what's on his mind and alison's first reaction is to try and defuse some of the uncomfortable tension. bad jokes and sly remarks have always been her thing, and she trusts tendo to know that, even if it is pretty inappropriate to be joking at a time like this. she just doesn't know what else to do. ]
We could move to Utah and become Mormon polygamists. Or maybe we could go to France, they're pretty understanding of non-conventional arrangements, right? They did invent the term ménage à trois. [ she pauses long enough to stand up and grab her jeans. ] We'd probably have to take Raleigh with, but that's okay. I've always wanted a puppy.
[ once alison's dressed, she turns and gives tendo a small, slightly apologetic smile. she crosses the room so she can put one hand on his cheek and kiss him softly. ]
Take some time to think about it, and then talk to him. Whatever comes out in the wash, I'm still going to be here until you tell me to go. I promise. [ she tries not to think about how ironic it is to say that when she essentially pushed him away by starting this whole thing. ]
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He's quiet for a moment, just takes a minute or so to look at her, really look at her, before a hand comes up to catch her by the nape so he can fit his mouth over hers, the kiss long and drawn-out because I love you Alison Choi is the mantra of his being.
It's like little knives in his gut when he speaks again. ] I don't think I can wear my ring yet, babe. Sorry. I just... I can't.
Not until this is fixed.
[ He glances down to where his free hand has laced fingers through hers, his thumb moving over the ring on her finger. There are no words to articulate the way he feels. He's not even sure if there is a way to actually, legitimately articulate the way that he feels. ]
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( how could she have almost ruined this? how could she have run right into the thing she fears--fucking this up--the most while being so terrified of it? )
it hurts her a little when he says he can't wear his wedding ring yet. but she nods. ] It's okay. I get it. [ and she does. she understands him perfectly.
with a small, tired noise, she rests her forehead against his in an unconscious mimicry of how they were just before he left to come to the shatterdome. ] Will it help or hurt if I ask to stay the night?
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The next words are hard to get out. Mostly because of fear. Because this isn't a can of worms but a potential viper pit that can set things back all over again and they'd only just figured out that they were okay. ] Answer me first: was it just physical [ he pulls back a little, though his hand stays where it is ] or do you have feelings for Yancy?
[ Yes, he realizes that Alison joked about it earlier, that's just how they roll. This time though, when he touches the subject, he's serious. Because while Yancy Becket is attractive as all hell and Alison is vocal about appreciating a fine form in a man, he doubts that looks would have been enough to make things go very far. And while Tendo's not Raleigh, who is the ultimate authority where it concerns everyone's favorite mother hen, he knows Yancy enough. Knows that he's a genuinely nice guy, over-protective as all hell and as cocky as most pilots come, but pretty much gifted with a heart made of breathing gold.
So its important that he asks this now. That he knows.
He tilts his head at his wife. ] Ali?
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but if he needs to know this, then... she can tell him. even if she's needs a moment to think of the answer herself. did she have feelings for yancy? yes, she did. but in her head, the affair was just physical. they fucked and they sent longing looks at each other across rooms but they never acted on the emotion. though the emotion is probably what drove them into the fucking in the first place, so maybe it's not fair to say it was just physical.
she gives her head a little shake and looks down as she answers. ] I care about him a lot. He would be easy to love and that--it made it easier to fall into bed with him.
[ except that doesn't really answer the question. not in a way that feels satisfactory to her. she rubs her free hand over her face and the looks she gives tendo is confused and helpless. it's an awful feeling and she hates it, it's so unlike what she usually is, but that's what she's feeling right now. ]
There was something there. [ is something there still though who knows if it'll stick around when she and yancy see each other again. they haven't since alison told tendo about the affair. ] For both of us. But hell if I can tell you what it was.
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She loves us both. She just hasn't figured out how to box Yancy in yet. Because why else would she be avoiding Yancy - he's not even sure if she's realized it yet, but she's said Raleigh more times during the span of this conversation than she's ever had before, skirts actually making mentions of the older Becket by addressing things directly to him or deflecting altogether, or just speaking solely for herself.
She looks so helpless and afraid and his heart goes out to her, so Tendo gathers her close, kisses her full on the mouth, their bodies flush against each other because he just loves her so damn much that he's willing to voice the weird idea that's actually been nagging at the back of his head. ]
It's okay babe. If you love him too, it's okay. You can say it. You can tell it to me, because I get it, I love that moron, too.
[ Why does it have to be that they have to choose? What if she ( and he ) doesn't want to choose? They work, the three of them. Alison kissed Yancy back in the day and then Yancy nudged him to ask her out, and then they got married and Yancy and Alison had this thing - it all comes round. Maybe this is a thing they're supposed to be. ]
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but tendo understands her perfectly and that's what really matters. that and the way that he holds her and kisses her and reassures her that it's okay. how on earth did she get so lucky? how did she manage to find this man and make him fall in love with her? and how can he stand there and tell her it's okay, he loves yancy too, like it's no big deal? like things could work out in one way or another between the three of them because there's enough love there. and it's okay that she loves yancy a little.
her vision blurs and she blinks to clear it. suddenly, she's crying. but it's not really a bad cry. not entirely, anyways. as she leans into tendo's chest and wraps her arms around him tight she realizes that she hasn't cried for herself since this whole thing started. oh, she cried when tendo left. but that was more out of guilt for hurting him than anything else. these tears now are tears of confusion and frustration. she doesn't understand how she can love two people, and she's felt like there's a part of her that's been pulled tight between two poles to the point of fraying. these are tears of relief because it's okay that she feels like that. tendo understands--really understands and he's still here, he's not leaving, and it's okay. ]
I love you. And I love him a little. [ it feels nice to be able to admit that out loud. even if it's wetly mumbled into the fabric of tendo's shirt. ] But I'm not moving to Utah.
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He presses a kiss to the top of her head still murmuring reassurances, one hand sweeping reassuring strokes up and and down her back. ] Good, 'cause I don't want to move to Utah, there's nothing there and I doubt the Marshal will let me anyway. [ Did he already mention how valuable he was to the PPDC? Well, there you go. ]
I'm scared, babe. How the hell am I going to explain this to him? [ It's the rejection he's thinking about. The idea that Yancy might be weirded out because it's one thing to joke, quite another to confess that he matters a great deal to them both in a potentially romantic ( quasiromantic? ) sort of way.
He curls around Alison, and then eases back so that they soft of just, slump into the bed. ] If he takes it badly and punches me, will you kiss my ugly mug and make all the boo-boos better?
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So for once the Marshal being a stoic hardass at times is going to be a good thing. [ she likes pentecost. she really does. but would it kill the man to smile at his workers every once in a while?
alison curls into tendo, puzzling the question of explanations in her head. ] I think winging it is your best bet. [ plans are all well and good, but nothing that's been planned about this whole thing has actually worked out yet. she's thinking that if they want this to be a thing, not planning anything is probably the best way to get it. ]
If he punches you, I will be the best nurse you could ever as for. [ so long as she doesn't have to wear one of those dorky hats. ] And I might laser him a bit for punching my husband. Just a bit, though. We still need him to pilot.