[ fear grips her heart like a vise. a cold fist clenched around her insides and stealing her breath. for a brief moment, she has no idea why he's asking this because they were okay, right? he was kissing her, they'd talked things through. they're okay, and they're going to be okay. what does it matter if she had some feelings for yancy becket that she'd never managed to puzzle out?
but if he needs to know this, then... she can tell him. even if she's needs a moment to think of the answer herself. did she have feelings for yancy? yes, she did. but in her head, the affair was just physical. they fucked and they sent longing looks at each other across rooms but they never acted on the emotion. though the emotion is probably what drove them into the fucking in the first place, so maybe it's not fair to say it was just physical.
she gives her head a little shake and looks down as she answers. ] I care about him a lot. He would be easy to love and that--it made it easier to fall into bed with him.
[ except that doesn't really answer the question. not in a way that feels satisfactory to her. she rubs her free hand over her face and the looks she gives tendo is confused and helpless. it's an awful feeling and she hates it, it's so unlike what she usually is, but that's what she's feeling right now. ]
There was something there. [ is something there still though who knows if it'll stick around when she and yancy see each other again. they haven't since alison told tendo about the affair. ] For both of us. But hell if I can tell you what it was.
[ When she says 'was' what he gets from the rest of her is 'is still' and he lets that sink into his bones for a moment, let's him puzzle out the strange calm that settles his heart in a way that it shouldn't, by the standards of regular folk.
She loves us both. She just hasn't figured out how to box Yancy in yet. Because why else would she be avoiding Yancy - he's not even sure if she's realized it yet, but she's said Raleigh more times during the span of this conversation than she's ever had before, skirts actually making mentions of the older Becket by addressing things directly to him or deflecting altogether, or just speaking solely for herself.
She looks so helpless and afraid and his heart goes out to her, so Tendo gathers her close, kisses her full on the mouth, their bodies flush against each other because he just loves her so damn much that he's willing to voice the weird idea that's actually been nagging at the back of his head. ]
It's okay babe. If you love him too, it's okay. You can say it. You can tell it to me, because I get it, I love that moron, too.
[ Why does it have to be that they have to choose? What if she ( and he ) doesn't want to choose? They work, the three of them. Alison kissed Yancy back in the day and then Yancy nudged him to ask her out, and then they got married and Yancy and Alison had this thing - it all comes round. Maybe this is a thing they're supposed to be. ]
[ of course she doesn't know how to box and label her feelings for yancy. most days she can still barely comprehend that yes, it is actually possible to love a person as much as she loves her husband. and no, she did not lose all ability to create new, deep relationships with people after trespasser like she feared she might have for a while.
but tendo understands her perfectly and that's what really matters. that and the way that he holds her and kisses her and reassures her that it's okay. how on earth did she get so lucky? how did she manage to find this man and make him fall in love with her? and how can he stand there and tell her it's okay, he loves yancy too, like it's no big deal? like things could work out in one way or another between the three of them because there's enough love there. and it's okay that she loves yancy a little.
her vision blurs and she blinks to clear it. suddenly, she's crying. but it's not really a bad cry. not entirely, anyways. as she leans into tendo's chest and wraps her arms around him tight she realizes that she hasn't cried for herself since this whole thing started. oh, she cried when tendo left. but that was more out of guilt for hurting him than anything else. these tears now are tears of confusion and frustration. she doesn't understand how she can love two people, and she's felt like there's a part of her that's been pulled tight between two poles to the point of fraying. these are tears of relief because it's okay that she feels like that. tendo understands--really understands and he's still here, he's not leaving, and it's okay. ]
I love you. And I love him a little. [ it feels nice to be able to admit that out loud. even if it's wetly mumbled into the fabric of tendo's shirt. ] But I'm not moving to Utah.
[ He sways, rocking her, says it's okay baby, it's going to be alright and while he hasn't spoken to Yancy, he knows it will be. Because he's Tendo fucking Choi, best jaeger deployment specialist, there ain't nothing he can do if he sets his mind to it so Yancy you better cooperate because this is a win for all sides, surely you can see that too.
He presses a kiss to the top of her head still murmuring reassurances, one hand sweeping reassuring strokes up and and down her back. ] Good, 'cause I don't want to move to Utah, there's nothing there and I doubt the Marshal will let me anyway. [ Did he already mention how valuable he was to the PPDC? Well, there you go. ]
I'm scared, babe. How the hell am I going to explain this to him? [ It's the rejection he's thinking about. The idea that Yancy might be weirded out because it's one thing to joke, quite another to confess that he matters a great deal to them both in a potentially romantic ( quasiromantic? ) sort of way.
He curls around Alison, and then eases back so that they soft of just, slump into the bed. ] If he takes it badly and punches me, will you kiss my ugly mug and make all the boo-boos better?
[ even though she's really kind of a watery mess, she laughs when he goes along with her bad joke. and that's how she knows that whether or not yancy freaks out about them essentially propositioning him, they're gonna be okay. if they've still got their bad jokes, and their weird senses of fashion, and the way they fit together, they'll be okay. ]
So for once the Marshal being a stoic hardass at times is going to be a good thing. [ she likes pentecost. she really does. but would it kill the man to smile at his workers every once in a while?
alison curls into tendo, puzzling the question of explanations in her head. ] I think winging it is your best bet. [ plans are all well and good, but nothing that's been planned about this whole thing has actually worked out yet. she's thinking that if they want this to be a thing, not planning anything is probably the best way to get it. ]
If he punches you, I will be the best nurse you could ever as for. [ so long as she doesn't have to wear one of those dorky hats. ] And I might laser him a bit for punching my husband. Just a bit, though. We still need him to pilot.
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but if he needs to know this, then... she can tell him. even if she's needs a moment to think of the answer herself. did she have feelings for yancy? yes, she did. but in her head, the affair was just physical. they fucked and they sent longing looks at each other across rooms but they never acted on the emotion. though the emotion is probably what drove them into the fucking in the first place, so maybe it's not fair to say it was just physical.
she gives her head a little shake and looks down as she answers. ] I care about him a lot. He would be easy to love and that--it made it easier to fall into bed with him.
[ except that doesn't really answer the question. not in a way that feels satisfactory to her. she rubs her free hand over her face and the looks she gives tendo is confused and helpless. it's an awful feeling and she hates it, it's so unlike what she usually is, but that's what she's feeling right now. ]
There was something there. [ is something there still though who knows if it'll stick around when she and yancy see each other again. they haven't since alison told tendo about the affair. ] For both of us. But hell if I can tell you what it was.
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She loves us both. She just hasn't figured out how to box Yancy in yet. Because why else would she be avoiding Yancy - he's not even sure if she's realized it yet, but she's said Raleigh more times during the span of this conversation than she's ever had before, skirts actually making mentions of the older Becket by addressing things directly to him or deflecting altogether, or just speaking solely for herself.
She looks so helpless and afraid and his heart goes out to her, so Tendo gathers her close, kisses her full on the mouth, their bodies flush against each other because he just loves her so damn much that he's willing to voice the weird idea that's actually been nagging at the back of his head. ]
It's okay babe. If you love him too, it's okay. You can say it. You can tell it to me, because I get it, I love that moron, too.
[ Why does it have to be that they have to choose? What if she ( and he ) doesn't want to choose? They work, the three of them. Alison kissed Yancy back in the day and then Yancy nudged him to ask her out, and then they got married and Yancy and Alison had this thing - it all comes round. Maybe this is a thing they're supposed to be. ]
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but tendo understands her perfectly and that's what really matters. that and the way that he holds her and kisses her and reassures her that it's okay. how on earth did she get so lucky? how did she manage to find this man and make him fall in love with her? and how can he stand there and tell her it's okay, he loves yancy too, like it's no big deal? like things could work out in one way or another between the three of them because there's enough love there. and it's okay that she loves yancy a little.
her vision blurs and she blinks to clear it. suddenly, she's crying. but it's not really a bad cry. not entirely, anyways. as she leans into tendo's chest and wraps her arms around him tight she realizes that she hasn't cried for herself since this whole thing started. oh, she cried when tendo left. but that was more out of guilt for hurting him than anything else. these tears now are tears of confusion and frustration. she doesn't understand how she can love two people, and she's felt like there's a part of her that's been pulled tight between two poles to the point of fraying. these are tears of relief because it's okay that she feels like that. tendo understands--really understands and he's still here, he's not leaving, and it's okay. ]
I love you. And I love him a little. [ it feels nice to be able to admit that out loud. even if it's wetly mumbled into the fabric of tendo's shirt. ] But I'm not moving to Utah.
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He presses a kiss to the top of her head still murmuring reassurances, one hand sweeping reassuring strokes up and and down her back. ] Good, 'cause I don't want to move to Utah, there's nothing there and I doubt the Marshal will let me anyway. [ Did he already mention how valuable he was to the PPDC? Well, there you go. ]
I'm scared, babe. How the hell am I going to explain this to him? [ It's the rejection he's thinking about. The idea that Yancy might be weirded out because it's one thing to joke, quite another to confess that he matters a great deal to them both in a potentially romantic ( quasiromantic? ) sort of way.
He curls around Alison, and then eases back so that they soft of just, slump into the bed. ] If he takes it badly and punches me, will you kiss my ugly mug and make all the boo-boos better?
no subject
So for once the Marshal being a stoic hardass at times is going to be a good thing. [ she likes pentecost. she really does. but would it kill the man to smile at his workers every once in a while?
alison curls into tendo, puzzling the question of explanations in her head. ] I think winging it is your best bet. [ plans are all well and good, but nothing that's been planned about this whole thing has actually worked out yet. she's thinking that if they want this to be a thing, not planning anything is probably the best way to get it. ]
If he punches you, I will be the best nurse you could ever as for. [ so long as she doesn't have to wear one of those dorky hats. ] And I might laser him a bit for punching my husband. Just a bit, though. We still need him to pilot.